Confuse

2007-01-18T22:46:00.000+08:00

i really wonder. really wonder y. wat had i done wrong. that i should be treated like this. wat had i done. that i msut end up like this. haiz. i am so hurt. to hear to see. those words. i am really hurt. to see u like this. really hurt. but wat can i do. i am just concern. as a kor. as a friend. as a senior. also can't ma. maybe i do not understand. but y can't u tell me to let me know. haiz. i really dun know wat to do anymore. i am really lost. is not wat i wan to think. but is just happening right in front of me. wwat can i say. wat can i do. nth. maybe i am crazy. a crazy mad fellow. but who causes it. i really wonder. wat i did wrong. that u all have to treat me like this. so wat if i have said it out. everything remains the same. maybe thats how things should be ba. maybe i really did something wrong ba. that is my punishment ba i guess. ppl always think for wat i think. but have anyone ever wonder how will i feel. everything still leave to my wrongs. ask me dun think like this. but wat can i do. is happening to me right. how i feel. can anyone understand it or even know it. must i just be alone and left alone there. when i just wanted someone to talk to that i just concern. also wrong ma. haiz. i am really very lost. lost in the sense of most of the things around me. i should just remain silent. just care in the dark. someone who is afraid of light. that will be me. haiz. i really just wan to be by your side. just to care for u. be there for u. can't i ma. haiz. neither do i wan to affect u. or anyone. haiz. take care.

2007-01-13T22:21:00.000+08:00

i will just wait quietly.....

2007-01-10T15:52:00.000+08:00

私は自分自身に尋ねる。私たわごとまたは馬鹿のようにちょうど誰かはあなたにある。多分私はあなたにちょうど苛立っていること、多分私はあなたへちょうど他人である。実際に傷つく私の中心。傷は私が呼吸できないこと耕す。私は私がそれをしてもいいこと何でも約束する。私はそれを保った。質問は私に来た、何ものためのすべてはある。 iが犬のようなぜであるか、私がない時1つとして扱われる。信じてがよい話か行為。私は蹴りのまわりでそれを捨てる皆のための球時ない必要性ではない。遊びたいと思いなさい時それから演劇に球を持って行った。 1つの側面への演劇の終わりの公正な蹴り時。多分あなたすべてのために正常がある。しかし私は実際に私が1人の馬鹿として取られていることを考える。必要性がある場合使用である場合もあるかだれが。人々は私にこののようにこれらのすべて考えないようにがらくた言う。しかし私の真ん前に起こっている。私は自分自身にある。私は自分自身にあってもいい。しかし私は事実から走ることができない。事実私の真ん前である。私はそれを立てることができない。悪いことをされるiがある何が。またはそれしか実現しないことちょうど愚かな私はちょうどある。それは非常に長い既に有した。長くそれまで私は今私それをもう取ることができない。しかし私はちょうど無声に残る。多分私は私がいかにだったか今ではである馬鹿ようにちょうど続けるべきである。多分それは私がによって完全にでほしかったものである。多分私の存在なしで。すべては良い。すべてはうまくある。皆は幸せである。多分それは人々はほしいと思うものがである。私の生命がいかにあるべきであるか多分そのis is。私は実際にそれをもう取ることができない。しかし何が私することができる。何も… 何も…

2006-11-05T21:46:00.000+08:00

~lost~
who am i...

2006-10-11T23:53:00.000+08:00

那到我就不可以有一点自由吗？为什么事情一定是我的错。
When things are not clear, misunderstanding occurs. I just can't communicate well with my mother. Her words will always be right and i will be the one wrong. I have to suit her way and always just follow what she say blindly. That is what she wants, that is what he wants. Do i have to bark like a dog, then you all will know. I guess i am even treated worst than a dog, worst than a salve. Life is tough always in this kind of environment.

These two days i went over to C 's house to help him do the puzzle. I am so glad to be able to stay over night at his house, but felt very bad to disturb his family. The first night was a sleeping day, we sleep until 11am plus. Haha. We wake up and went out to have out lunch with G and P. Haha. And was surprised by two things.

1st thing: a gift from G or P. Haha. I was really very happy to recevie a gift. I just like to receive gifts, haha.

2nd thing: found something =)

I guess is really a day for both of us, and we went out for supper at the hawker centre near C 's house to celebrate. Is something simple but yet so GREAT! At his house play some DOTA game and i realise, i am really a noob in that game. Haha. I only play for a few match before only, guess i need some more trainning. I spend the whole night doing the puzzle and manage to finish it today. Of course the whole thing is not done by me alone. Haha. The puzzle is so nice but sad is not for me. Doing the puzzle with you guys is so nice, the feeling of one big family. I wish i could find that in my own. After that went with P to buy some things and we had our dinner at Water Rise. The food there is so great too, i just keep helping them promote their food. Haha.

But all these while, i was not really happy, cause without you. Really miss you a lot. I hope you will feel better, and do rest more =)

2006-10-08T16:31:00.000+08:00

Somehow i felt very lost, when i lose you.
I do not know what to do, neither do i know where to go.
Losing you is something i do not wish to happened.
I want to hold on to you, i will never let you go.
Do not blame yourself, is not your fault at all.
You dun even have to think about it again, cause is over.
I am glad to have you back, please do not leave me again.
No matter what happened, i will face it with you.
I will be right beside you, always and ever.
I will show you what is forever, i believe in that.
Hold on to my hand, i will walk down the path with you.
I will be by your side, always.
Let me help u share the burden with you.
Let me lesser the burden you have.
I promise, i will be there for you forever.
When you need me, i will be there.
In my heart, there will only be you.
Cause the one i love, is you.

2006-10-03T18:45:00.000+08:00

I had just finish my Physic and Maths paper 1. It was just another killing paper, but i blame myself for not studying hard enough. I do not have any confident at all. Tommorrow will be Social Studies and POA paper 1 and it will be another killing paper. I just do not have the mood to study in, i just can't remember anything. I force myself, i do anything to make me study, but is no use. Haiz.
Haiz. I should soon be mute. I do not know how to talk or communicate. Anything that comes out from my mouth is nothing good. I do not have any place to talk. I should not talk anymore. Maybe is true that i am just useless that i know nothing. I should just remain selient.
No matter how hard i forcus on studies, but it will just come with a conclusion. I still do not know. When people talk about studies, i really can say nothing. I do not even understand most of the time. I always thought that i have something that is good, but when i think about. What is it that is good in me. I know nothing, i learn nothing, i can't do anything.
I always thought i can at least help others, console people. But think about it, i do nothing much to help. But only create more troubles even. The worst thing is i can't even help someone that i really want to help. I can't do anything to help her. Sorry.

2006-10-02T01:36:00.000+08:00

Thanks.

2006-10-01T21:39:00.000+08:00

Haiz. I finally able to study, wanted to study. But all these hopes were gone once again. I do not know how to start studying, i do not know what to study at all. It seems like nothing goes into my head. I rest and i memorise what i have to, but every went clear in just a slip second. I just wanted to talk to someone, at least someone. But i just can't, everyone is studying.
Is studies really that important? Why i just can't get everything into my head? What is in my mind that is bothering me? I wan to know, but i just can't figure out. Is it cause of the amount of effort i put in is not enough? Must i go until the stage that i do not sleep and just study? It seems that i really have to. I have not really started studying, i have not study in detail yet or even the surface. I only know the topic but i do not know anything about those topic. What is wrong with me. Can someone just give me an answer?
I have lost most of the confident in this time test, i do not have the confident that i used to have. I really want to score well this time, i want to make a different. But i just can't, i just can't.

2006-09-29T21:52:00.000+08:00

~Baby Road Runner~

This is a picture that i drew during English period, do not have the mood to study at that point of time so drew this. The shading and my name is drawn by G, must include her name later say i snatch her credit. Haha. It seems that when i am drawing, my mind is totally clear, did not think of anything when i was drawing.

~Baby Sylvester~
Another one that is drawn by me and shade by G. Haha.

Yesterday forget to post, so i should write about it first. Nothing much actually happened but just a simple boring day. But my Mp3 was found, thanks to A and M.J. Did not even think that will get to see it again when that time i lost it. It was my birthday gift from my Mum this year which i treasure it a lot. But after that time when we had our English lesson in the computer lab, i lost it. That is how i lost it, did not really felt sad but more of disappointed by myself. I do not get it why i just can't keep my things properly.

It seems like i got a lot of question in my mind without an answer. I know i should not be thinking of this, but i just can't get it off my mind. I am really glad to accompany you home most of the time. At least there is someone that i can find after school. I am really happy to have you by my side. Thanks.

I am still confuse, confuse of my thinking and having a lot of doubt. I do not understand, even how badly i want. I want an answer, an answer to all my questions.

At Home.

2006-09-27T23:30:00.000+08:00

I did not went to school today, cause i woke up late. And i am also not feeling well that i did not went to school. I am quite glad that i did not went to school, cause i black out at home. Suddenly i just fall, lucky i fall on my sofa. I still feel a bit giddy and dizzy but hope that i will be fine after a sleep. I want to go school one and study, do not want to miss anymore lessons. Still thinking of the answer, but do not seem to get anywhere. But i can feel that i am getting near already.
There is nothing much since i am at home all the while. But to make things more clear, i am not sack off from Council, is i choose to leave Council. I do not want people to get the misunderstanding. Thank.

Thanks.

2006-09-26T20:19:00.000+08:00

Today is the first time i am wearing white shoe to school again, the feeling is so different. I do not know why i got this weird feeling, but i will get over it. Honestly, i really miss the days when i was still in Student Council. But i still have to go on with my "new life". Many may ask, why do i quit and what happened. The answer is i do not know myself. But this is what actually happened:

1)I quarrel with my home teacher, and insulted him. Due to some misunderstand and so, i lost my temper and quarrel with him. The worst part is i still question him as a teacher.
2)After a few weeks, i was caught sleeping in class. The person who caught me is Miss C.It is a habit of mine that i tend to doze off during lesson, this is really a very bad habit.
3)After another few weeks, when i was serving my detention, i run up to class and remove window panels. The purpose was to get in the class to get some things for my friends. Ah W saw me and reported to Mr T who came up to caught me.
4)A few days after my detention, I almost broke up into a fight with my classmate. We were arguing over some matter and were at the point of fighting already. We were brought to the HOD and sort things out there.

These is actually happening, is quite a big shock, even for myself. When i think back, i really felt very stupid. I was not able to control my temper and been too rush. I will not blame anyone, i can only blame myself. But after all this, i had learnt quite a few things. Of course after this series of event, i had learnt my lesson. I change my bad habit away, and tried to control my temper everytime. But what had happened, had happened. What had been done cannot be undone. What i had done, i must pay for the full price. That is call been responsible for what i had done.

I was given a second chance to change over a new leaf. But is that the second chance? The answer is not. I had been given a lot of chances, but i just do not seem to appreciate. I did not treasure all those chances. But after all these events that are going on, the Excos and the teachers are still willing to give me another chance. But then, i turn them down. I was unable to sort out my thinking yet, i am still very lost. I really thank those that had been giving all these chances and supporting me.

After this 3 years, i really learn a lot of things. If i was ask to list down, i do not know where to start from. But i know is Council that help to shape me into a better person. It is Council that actually bring out the potential in me. I was given a lot of chances to be expose to a lot of things that i will not be able to learn from books. Is through Council that i know more friends and things. It is Council that lead my life and walk down these 3 years. I am really glad to be in Council, having such good seniors and juniors. Keep the flame burning people, the flame must not burn out or even become small. The spirit must be there. Do not think that Council is just taking up your time and is pointless to be in Council. Learn things from it, there is a lot to learn. Each and everything in Council has a learning point, is up to you weather you want to learn or not. Do not look at one point of view, look in all direction. Always think for others than yourself. Put yourself into other peoples' shoes and understand them, learn to appreciate. Do not always look at the negative, but look positive. Everything is either negative or positive, it all depend on how you want to look at things. Look positive and stay positive. A smile will not kill, a frown does. Start off the day with a smile always, even u met with some problems, remember a frown will only cause things to be more worst. Take things calmly and face it, things will slowly have a way to solve. As long there is will, there will be a way. Seek help always, a helping hand will help lighten the burden. Do not be afraid to ask for help, unless you are able to handle it. Do not be shy over asking help, it is very simple. Just open your mouth and say, "i need your help, can you help me?" People will not know, unless you say it out. You are who you are, do not think that people will know you and understand you. That is why there is always miscommunication. Do not let miscommunication be the cause of everything, always sort things out clearly. Always remember, you are never alone, unless you choose to be alone. There is always people around you, caring for you, there for you. Trust is what people need, put in pride into your work, and make the best out of it. That is what it mean, "Unity In Strength, Quality In Service" You are providing services to people, do not think that people own you. Put on a smile=)
If anyone need help, feel free to come find me. I may not be able to help, but i can help lighten the burden.
Once again, i will like to thank each and everyone. Thank you=)

Why?!

2006-09-26T17:17:00.000+08:00

I am very glad that you all are willing to give me this second chance, i really thank you all. I myself also want to know why i choose that choice, the fact is i also do not know why. But i am very glad to be in Student Council, i had learnt a lot of things. And is Council that pull me to today. But i can't accept the fact about myself, i do not dare to take anymore risk anymore. Is like, i play with stocks. I burn my hand and lost everything in just a few seconds. A burn will always be burnt and is because of this burn that make me afraid to take any risk. One been burnt will not want others to be hurt too. I used to think that this burn is nothing, i will be fine. But it had proven me wrong, and the result is like today. I have fallen into a hole, a deep deep one, trying to get out of it. I saw a lot of hands trying to help me, but i can't reach it. They seem so near yet so far. Is so dark, that i can't even see myself.I also want to know the answer why i quit. Maybe Council is not the place i should be, maybe is because i do not live up to expectation of the Student Council that i leave. Since the starting, i should not be in Council. I also do not know myself. I want to know who i am, i want to know the reasons i live. That is what i am finding now. But i hope i did not make a wrong choice of leaving, even if i does. I do regret leaving. But i do not have a choice. I cannot pass through myself. But is because of this regret, that will bring me to a greater height. I really thank you all for the chances you all have been giving me, is me who do not treasure it at all. I do not deserve anymore chances and just make use of you all. I do not want to take Student Council as a stake, i do not wan to lose that stake. I have no confident myself, i know i disapointted a lot people. But i hope you all will stay strong. I know saying sorry is no use, that is why i will do my best not to get into trouble anymore. I hope so. Honestly, i also do not know what to say. It seems like i have lost of words. But i know this, until today, no one seems to be able to understand me at all. I want to understand myself too, i do want to know the answer. If you all think that it will be better for me, the true it will not do me any good either. If u think that i stay in Council and strip off my position will help me, it will not. But it will more of affect me. i will not be able to handle it in Council. To me, this title of Head Of Discipline is nothing. It seems like the longer i stay, the more i will suffer. But it make no different even if i leave, i will still suffer.I do not know how to say, but hope it will be able to understand. I am really lost, really lost. I will give an answer to you all, when i know. Sorry.